Looking In The Mirror
It has been over five months since I have published anything on this blog post. My lack of attention to this has numerous excuses attached that I use daily to either beat myself up with or soothe my scattered mind but the end result is always the same. It is like running on a treadmill thinking that you are distancing yourself from what you are running from only to find that you are in the same spot with only the energy you could have used productively now sweat. I have convinced myself of the validity of the intrusions that constantly arise but the conscience is always there if the discipline is not and to quote another “aye, there’s the rub”. Life itself is an intrusion and there are times when I detest it. I resent the daily conflict of whether to become an insensitive prick or continuing to be the insensitive prick I am? It is quite the conundrum.
Part of the issue is that earlier this month I completed my 62nd. year and as I age I reflect more on what little time I have left and on what little of any consequence I have accomplished. Knowing that these thoughts are just another intrusion that ultimately interferes with my well being only adds to the load. Age has it’s benefits I guess but presently none come to mind. The aches and pains that were never there just a few years ago and the knowledge of what could have been if different paths were taken overshadow the blessings I am surrounded with; a weird sense of buyers remorse I suppose. Can one be content but still yearn for more?
I guess I will just accept the fact that I have become an old curmudgeon and that what could have been won’t be. Maybe if I could just blame someone or something for stopping me along the way but I know that is not the case. To find that person all I have to do is look in the mirror. Life goes on and as some of my friends tell me – “It is what it is.” Aye, there’s the rub!
Each day is a new day, in fact every second of each day you get a chance to change direction. Do not regret the past, embrace it because it got you this far. As I said at one job interview, “I don’t think I will say on my death bed, I wish I spent more time at the office”. Each new day is a blessing from our Lord. Embrace each day, let your regrets fly away…Count your blessings
You made a statement about how little you accomplished and I want to address that in a way. This is a common regret as people age, I’m approaching 35 and it crosses my mind on a regular basis. But what I have come to realize is that no matter how little I think I accomplish when I die, the work I have done is not finished working and may never really be finished. If you are lucky enough to have a family you don’t die, and I’m not speaking in a spiritual way, I’m speaking on the fact that you are a part of me and that part of me is going to be a part of evie and so on and so on. And while it may not be directly you having our accomplishments , take comfort in knowing you are directly responsible for us being who we are and a part of what makes us able to achieve what we do.
Pat,
If it makes you feel any better, I think we all have the same thoughts once we reach 60. Next month, I will be ye gads 67 but in mom’s eyes 68, since I am in my 67th year now. We all look back at our shoulda’s, woulda’s, and coulda’s and we simply didn’t. Variety of reasons, I guess, but, none the less, we didn’t. We look at our accomplishments or lack of and regret moves in..kind of late for that. However, as we age, we still keep going, and we have the ability to enjoy life more as we watch our children grow into adults that we are darn proud of and of the grandchildren they have given us. We marvel at the things the grandkids do and say and perhaps can chuckle because we see our once young self in them. The aches and pains come with the territory with having gray hair on your head or in some cases, no hair on the head. So, instead of looking in the mirror and blaming the person looking back at you for things not going entirely your way, look in the mirror and see the person everyone else sees..a great guy. Insensitive prick? nah…we’re coming to an age where we can say what we mean and mean what we say and not have to be politically correct and not give a flying fig leaf what others think. See, there are pluses to old age! And when all is said and done, you will look back and realize, you are one lucky fellow because things could have been worse.