Heaven and Earth in the early morning on Hilton Head Island, SC. Photo by Justin Ryan

“What we do in life echoes in eternity”  R.Crowe as Maximus Decimus Meridius

The title is the theme song from one of the most beloved sit-coms, MASH.  Approximately 35,000 people a year commit suicide.   In the past ten years I have known 5 people who have attempted (1) or succeeded (4) in their bid to end their life.  That doesn’t include this writer who went as far as purchasing the needed equipment several years after being diagnosed with depression.  The death of Robin Williams has brought the spotlight back on suicide.  Unfortunately after a couple of weeks it will once again be forgotten in the media and thousands of loved ones will still be facing lifelong grief.  Depression is named as the leading cause of suicide but not all who are depressed resort to suicide.

What is it that turns someone to the drastic action of offing themselves?  In the mid-nineties I was on the verge of a breakdown.  It came upon me suddenly and hit me pretty hard. I had a hard time functioning all the while hiding it from coworkers and family.  I remember not understanding why I was feeling that bad.  Previously there were times when I would be melancholy but that would pass in a short time.  This was different and I realized that I was having a difficult time coping.  Sleep at night was getting harder and one night I got up and I just walked around in circles downstairs.  My wife after an hour or so woke up and wondering where I was came downstairs to find me walking in circles.  All the time I was walking I was talking to myself – about who knows what.  After talking to me a bit she became worried and suggested going to the hospital.  That was not going to happen but in talking to her I calmed down and agreed to call the family doctor the next day.  During that period I began thinking about killing myself.  I was convinced that it would be the best thing for my family as I felt like I was an anchor to them and they would be better off with me gone.  I felt friendless and totally alone though I was not.  I am sure that if it had continued another few days you wouldn’t be reading my post.  I had counseling and my doctor put me on some medication.  Between the two my mind slowed down and rationality returned (somewhat).

What I am about to write is something I have not shared with anyone, so if my wife kills me let her off easy.  About ten to twelve years later I began to wean myself off my medication because I was feeling great.  I ignored my thoughts and sure enough it crept back and while I did not experience the breakdown, one day I found myself looking up suicide and found several long articles that debated it philosophically pro and con.  I would read them constantly while debating it within.  I did not see how I was falling prey once again.  I went as far as buying the tubing and clamps to run from the exhaust pipe.  Looking back it is scary to see how the emotion was not involved in the plans.  It was all quite rational in my mind.  No one knew or was aware.  I even convinced myself that God was o.k. with it too.  That it was no different than dying from heart disease or cancer.  But something happened on my way to what I thought would be peace.  Actually several things happened starting with a conversation I had with a good friend of mine whose son had committed suicide several years earlier.  It was the anniversary of his action and she had been crying when I saw her.  She talked of the pain she feels and the frustration of not being able to see what was going to occur with him.  Then she lost her husband a year later from a heart attack brought on from their sons action.  I began to see how suicide is not painless and there are victims.  Where homicide’s victims die; suicide’s victims live and I began to see that if there is a hell on earth it is being a suicide victim.  My friend through her pain gave me the “pause” that is so important.  I did not realize it at the time but that was the second time I was saved.  In reading about that disease I learned that much of it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  I resumed taking the medication and did some self evaluation.  It was then that I understood that the small amount of medication I was taking was correcting whatever chemical imbalance had occurred.  The stigma that I placed in my mind was inaccurate and I began to look at it as like taking aspirin for a headache.

My thoughts became clearer and I started to piece together why this all hit me.  Medically speaking I could be howling at the moon, but intuitively I believe that I am closer to the truth.  Prior to the initial onslaught I was diagnosed with Epstein Barr (another name for mono) and I was as worn out as an obamacare promise (couldn’t help myself there) and I believe that during that time my chemical makeup changed enough to allow depression to get a foothold.  Just as a major weather event or a increase in sun spot activities effect the balance in the eco-system; major jolts to your system such as illness or drug and alcohol use changes your internal chemical system.  The body can deal with small occasional disruptions but a massive or steady influx will overload your system and it will react in some way.  People do not abuse drugs or alcohol because they are depressed; they are depressed because they abuse those things.

There is another aspect that I found in my “suicide readings” and that was Faith and what part that plays into how the mind reacts to irrational thoughts.  There is Good and evil in this world and the struggle between them is very easily observed if you only open your eyes to it.  Depression is the wormhole that allows evil to encroach into your thoughts and lead you away from all that is good.   Your thoughts are twisted and lack rationality and the pain that you feel is real; only because of the hold that the corruptor has on your thought process.  You eventually come to believe that suicide is the only solution.  A point is reached in your thinking and you suddenly feel better because you have reached a decision and you have found “a cure”.  But that cure is a lie.  The act of suicide only perpetuates evil.  How many people are hurt?  The pain does not end with suicide.  In the tsunami of feelings that follow the survivors, you can be assured that riding on the coat tails of sorrow is evil.  Affecting an unsuspecting saddened soul and the cycle continues.

It is unfortunate that in our society today God and Faith are either ignored or even banished.  Our Nation was founded on the principle of freedom of religion but it has now been twisted to freedom from religion.  It has been often said that the greatest lie ever told was that there was not a devil.  By denying the existence of evil it is free to corrupt and mislead, and there is no better example then suicide.  As society grew into the secular leviathan it has become, man dominated science has pushed belief and faith to the fringe; to mans detriment.  It is said that when a person arrives at the point when suicide is imminent that faith is no longer a factor and that is most likely very accurate.  The whole purpose of evil is to separate a person from the Creator and suicide is probably the most gratifying way for Satan to stick his thumb in the eye of his creator.  Evil knows that a single suicide is not just one soul he has stolen.  The act opens a fertile field for him.  Consider the number of people that suicide affects that are now in their grief are susceptible to his lies. There will be one or two who will consider suicide as a way out; some may turn to alcohol or drug to ease their sadness; some who have great faith will have it shaken and doubts will creep into their faith (perhaps his greatest victory) but the pathways are numerous.

Does this mean that those of faith are not susceptible to depression and suicide?  Of course not, faith is a two edged sword.  Your faith can protect you but when doubt enters there is a crack that is taken advantage of by the evil that is suicide.  The wife of a friend was a girl like that; a good person who practiced her faith.  She had three beautiful children and a future was bright.  Her passing haunts me, I guess it is a form of survivors guilt.  But I use that to remind me that no one is safe from the reach of evil.  I understand that the concept of evil and good is growing more foreign to the American mind but it has to be said anyway.  If you are one who thinks about killing yourself – stop and turn inward and tear away the façade that Satan has painted for you.  It is all lies told by the master liar.

When I think back on all the lies that I had running through my mind and how I bought into the “nobility” of saving my family from my horrible ways I give thanks for getting through that mess.  I look at all I would have missed; my beautiful grandchildren, my sons as they age and the gathering every Sunday for dinner, the noisy conversations and laughter, my friends, a cool dry autumn day.  Is it all perfect now?  I’m not that delusional but I now see the role that bad things play in life and accept it knowing that it will pass.

Always keep in mind that the only place suicide is painless is in a song.